My Battle With Self-Confidence

Hello! I am so excited to be posting my first blog post. I know that it is a bit of a heavier topic, but it’s something that I wanted to get out there and be known. Recently, I’ve started recovering from terrible anxiety and mild depression and if I can say that if they have taught me anything, it’s that there’s a terrible feeling associated with letting others decide for me who I am and how I should act. Doing so hinders my ability of encompassing self-love and confidence.

There is a lot of information on loving yourself and tips on gaining confidence and I think it’s interesting to find out how other people handle it. Confidence to me is being able to create a life for yourself that you always wanted and not basing it on others’ opinions of you. This is something that I’m learning right now, as I find ways to deal with my depression and anxiety.

I wasn’t always so down on myself. Somewhere along the line I lost what little confidence I had. It started when my anxiety and depression hit in college. I felt like I wasn’t capable of doing anything. I stopped doing things I loved before because in my mind there was no way I could be successful at anything. That wasn’t the worst part though. I couldn’t even imagine how anyone could think positively of me. It was like I had to be perfect at everything I did or other people would think less of me. This became especially damaging at work after college. Let’s just say I used to cry in the bathroom. Actually, I used to cry everywhere all the time and that just doesn’t sound fun. Trust me, it wasn’t.

Freshman year at Rutgers University - about a year before my depression and anxiety worsened

I know what you’re thinking. Kelsey why didn’t you get help. You know there are people whose jobs are to handle this.  Okay, maybe you weren’t thinking that, but I did get asked that quite often. If you’ve ever been in a similar situation - no matter what got you there - it’s not always easy to “just get help”. I should have gotten help in college when everything started to go south. Actually, I would cry in front of my friends often. Therapy was suggested to me but I ignored that. Going to therapy made me feel like I would be a failure. I was ashamed.

Thankfully, I recently moved in with my boyfriend Bill and if it weren’t for that I wouldn’t be getting the help I have today. This is what happened. I woke up one day with a terrible panic attack. I was shaking, crying uncontrollably, and gasping for air. Instead of going to work Bill drove me to the hospital where I got the information I needed to begin treatment. It’s only been a couple months of therapy and being on medication, but I’ve already seen significant improvements of my self-confidence.

Bill and I in Florida when I started to notice more and more anxiety, but didn't know how to handle it

Before getting treatment, I already knew that there were methods of “loving yourself” that I knew just did not work for me. Like I said at the beginning, everyone handles this differently. If these methods work for you, that’s great! But I know for myself that these two tricks didn’t work.

Positive Thinking: Have you ever had anyone tell you that if you think positively good things will happen? I have and it’s one of the most frustrating things ever. If you feel a certain way about something - like if you feel badly about yourself - just “thinking positively” feels like a lie that you’re telling yourself.

My sister and I about a year ago when I was starting to have extreme panic attacks

Talking to Yourself in the Mirror: Bill suggested this one to me. He said that I should look in the mirror and tell myself all the good things about me. Like positive thinking, I felt like this was a lie. I knew that this wouldn’t feel right before I even gave it a chance. I didn’t like anything about myself so telling myself “good” things about me just didn’t feel truthful.

Although I’m not 100%, I’m feeling much much better thanks to a push in the right direction. Below are the things that did work to help me focus on something other than my struggle.

Focusing on a blog: I still have a journal from high school that I would write in almost every day. The only other person that has read it is Bill because I finally let him after three years of knowing each other. There are some sad and some happy entries in there, but overall I just liked writing and getting my thoughts and feelings out on paper.

Fast forward to today, my therapist gave me a list of things that I could either do or focus on when I was anxious or about the have a panic attack. One of the things on that list was to start a blog so I thought “hmm why not!” Having something that I enjoy to focus on has really improved my self-esteem.

Makeup: This has always been my saving grace. I don't know what it is, but I find something so calming about listening to makeup tutorials. I don't even have to be paying attention fully, it can be on in the background. But when I do pay attention, I enjoy learning about new makeup products and new techniques. It clears my mind of negative thoughts.

Video Games: For the ladies, hear me out. I started playing Dishonored on Bill’s Xbox, a game I got him for Christmas. I can’t say that he’s terribly happy that I take over his post-work gaming time. But if I play for even just an hour at a time, I have something to focus on other than the things that are troubling me.

Gym Time: I used to get frustrated whenever I felt down and someone would suggest, “have you tried working out?” But I have to say it really does work. Bill and I joined the local rec center and almost immediately signed up for personal training. I'm working on building up adrenaline as a release so I feel more relaxed more often. And shedding some of those post graduation pounds doesn't hurt either.

The biggest thing that I’ve taken from this is that it takes going through something particularly difficult to get a sense of who you are and the self-confidence you’ve been looking for. Going forward, I’ll be on the lookout for much deserved happiness and ways to love myself even more.